If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
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RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.