If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
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Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!