If only.
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The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him