If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Did…did a minotaur write this
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*