If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
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I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
We need to put an American base on the sun
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy