If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
You Might Also Like
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with