if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
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Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.