If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
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*jingles half the way*
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.