“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
You Might Also Like
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Finally a use for spoilers…
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class