If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
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My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
🙄😏😂🤣
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.