If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
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“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Stop it! 😂
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.