If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
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My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.