If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
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Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune