If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
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my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
sir, my pâté if you please
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig