@TheIronSherk

If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.

You Might Also Like

@mauleePillar

My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.

@stephenjmolloy

Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”

@Jimpetuous

*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*

@The_MartiniGirl

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

@heatherlou_

Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…

@envydatropic

If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol

@DanMentos

My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.

@FSUSteve

Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.