If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.

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My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.


Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”


*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*


I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.


Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…


If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol


My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.


Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.