If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
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Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that