If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
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[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!