@blueeyesgreene

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

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@SamGrittner

I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.

@notfunnyelle

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

@envydatropic

They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.

@torrami

Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.

@odannyboy

DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!

*tries*

4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?

She’s not the first to ask me that.

@ch000ch

if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks