@SamGrittner I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
@blueeyesgreene If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
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@SamGrittner 
@notfunnyelle my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
@envydatropic They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
@TheToddWilliams “Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
@whereami18 My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
@torrami Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
@odannyboy DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
@VaushV 
@XplodingUnicorn 4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
@ch000ch if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks