@blueeyesgreene

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

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@samalmightysam

-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!

@envydatropic

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

@MamaHuntsBest

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

@Kyle_Lippert

The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.

@filth_waste

how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch

@TrophyCatas

When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.

@athleisure_monk

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

@carlyken

My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.