If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
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“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.