@samalmightysam -Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
@blueeyesgreene If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
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@samalmightysam 
@castawaykristen Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
@envydatropic My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
@MamaHuntsBest IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
@Kyle_Lippert The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
@filth_waste how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
@TrophyCatas When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
@athleisure_monk scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
@eleniZarro “Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
@carlyken My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.