
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks