IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
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i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
not for long
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
That’s incredible! 👌
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro