@mikeleffingwell

IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE

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@TravLeBlanc

I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.

@ChrisHallbeck

An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.

@dafloydsta

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

@hyperblastchic

Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.

@roxyisrad

I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.

@joejwest

[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues

@5hael

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.

@HavocMantis

*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin