IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
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Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back