If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
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Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Smells like a challenge to me
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it