If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
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Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.