If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
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A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?