If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
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My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will