If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
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I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
thanks auntie mary
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.