Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁

Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like

Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.

“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers

Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.

people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

[First day waiting tables]

Customer: do you have wings?

Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms

‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.

Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage

Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)

*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*

If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.

Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.

My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.

I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.

when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”

There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.

my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.

We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears

I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine