If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
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Optional boss fight.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
#Caturday
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins