If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
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if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
For those that worship cheese..
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.