If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
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If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long