If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
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Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
True
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal