If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
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Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Had an epiphany today.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.