If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
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ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Tony Hawk, age 6
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick