@lovemydogduck

If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee

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@JermHimselfish

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

@SpireJim

Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why

@wildethingy

Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.

@QwertyJones3

“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”

Crowd: “NEIGH!”

“Jesus Christ.”

@domesticH

wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!

@DeadLioness

In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.

@Arroia

If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.

@fro_vo

Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late