If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
You Might Also Like
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
absolutely not
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin