@lovemydogduck

If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee

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@Fred_Delicious

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

@dogfather

“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*

@FormerHumorist

[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it

@Douchekevin

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

@clindsaysway

It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.

@jackiembouvier

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

@Tmoney68

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”

@kevinseccia

Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?

@yenniwhite

Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

-Kids