“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
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“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.