@lovemydogduck
@Fred_Delicious [Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
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@Fred_Delicious 
@dogfather “Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
@FormerHumorist [at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
@Douchekevin My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
@clindsaysway It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
@jackiembouvier When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
@Tmoney68 Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
@kevinseccia Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
@yenniwhite Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
@JasonLastname Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.