If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
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Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.