If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
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I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.