If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.

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Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.


In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”


GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!


All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.


Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere


Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”


Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set


Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”