@JamieGreenlees

If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.

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@sweetcrazyweird

Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.

@thepaulasuzanne

In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”

@jwoodham

GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!

@slaughthie

All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.

@SortaBad

Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere

@Shariv67

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”

@Kirangandhi

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

@ItsAndyRyan

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”