@sweetcrazyweird Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
@JamieGreenlees If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
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@sweetcrazyweird 
@thepaulasuzanne In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
@jwoodham GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
@AnOrangeSNES An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
@slaughthie All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
@SortaBad Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
@Shariv67 Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
@abhorrent_wife Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
@Kirangandhi Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
@ItsAndyRyan Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”