If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
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I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them