If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
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Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
New favorite tiktok
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.