IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
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wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Google assistant rules
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.