If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
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gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.