If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
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Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I don’t think my car can fly
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition