If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
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temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
he was correct