If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
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Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die