If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
You Might Also Like
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.