Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting

If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants

ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.

(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.

Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you

The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.

They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job

Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met

Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR

going to rock bottom do you guys need anything

It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.

What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?

Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.

I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.

“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”

55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans

Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.

Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose

[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.

Me: This is the worst escape room ever.

Boss: This is your job.

Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.

They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars

medusa but her hair is an anaconda