Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.

Overheard, my kids-

7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
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3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷‍♀️

ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.

GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.

ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.

Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.

ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?

Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.

Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.

BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be

ME: I’ll have a dirty martini

BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*

I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.

His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.

-Oreo to milk

I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!

Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.

“Woah woah hey woah”

[me attempting to breakup a fight]

if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married

This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.

*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*

4: Mummy, I know how old you are.

Me: OK.

4: Has it got an 8 in it?

Me: Yes! Well done.

4: Is it 8 and then 0?

Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.

Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.

The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

[coworkers chatting about me, to me]

cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰

THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler

If snakes were wide

I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.

Calls for kids: Nobody responds.

Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.