@SwartyComedy

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.

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@stuckinaportal

regrets?

[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]

yeah i’ve got regrets

@Darlainky

Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.

Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.

@AimeeHelene1

My diet plan consists of multiple naps.

Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.

@ristolable

A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.

@DestineyLynn

*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*

Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.

@buttsword

COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no

@xMonica13x

My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.

@TweetPotato314

[Office Supply Store]

Me: *getting toner*

Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.

@scriptdave

Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.

@neiltyson

Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.