If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
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The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives