@SaraThomas84

If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now

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@Shariv67

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

@STRIKINGxVIKING

“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”

*Go to a bar you Hate

*Put $50 in the Jukebox

*Play nothing but Nickelback

*Leave

@Brianhopecomedy

Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.

@palokin

took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name

@SaraESpivey

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

@shegotagronk

It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”

@Elifcello

“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants

@JermHimselfish

The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.

@SadPeruna

Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.

@ArtIsMyPorn

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.