If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now

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You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.


“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”

*Go to a bar you Hate

*Put $50 in the Jukebox

*Play nothing but Nickelback



Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.


took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name


Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.


It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”


“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants


The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.


Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.


Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.