If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
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I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.