If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
You Might Also Like
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees