@AngieDavisHaha I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
@J0hnnyBlaze If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
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@AngieDavisHaha 
@BrickMahoney Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
@Benjamin4501 Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
@david8hughes [at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
@david8hughes Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
@LeftAtLondon Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
@AbbieEvansXO Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
@Shade510 Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
@Anniewritess The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
@Northerngent4 “WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
