If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
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Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Shower sex be like:
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Meow?
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Quadruple digit IQ
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…