I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
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Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”