If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her

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I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”


Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance


Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised


[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor


Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho


Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”


Me: please just one more wish

Genie: no, I said 3

Me: please

Genie: no

Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please


Her: What do you want to listen to?

Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.

Her: Great…I have Amazon music.

Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.



The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.