If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
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who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
North and South
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?