If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
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Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?