If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
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People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.