If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
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Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Velcrow