If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
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Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
channeling her this year
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.