If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
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How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.